One sunny afternoon, I randomly asked a close friend, “how do you know if someone is already toxic for your mental health?” She put down her pen, and responded, “You would feel it by yourself because judging a person is somehow subjective and personal.“
But how do I feel it? I asked myself silently but she meddled on my bubble thoughts by replying again, “If he or she already makes you anxious most of the time, if you constantly stress yourself out because of him/her, if your heart literally aches because of him/her, you would finally realize that that person is unhealthy for you. And you should just let him/her go.”
I was so close to believing in her words. Yet, I remembered my other friend’s sentiment about letting go– “Everyone deserves someone who will hold on no matter what.” I shared it to this friend I recently talked to, and she immediately agreed.
But then, she added, “yes, that toxic person you are referring to, badly needs someone who would understand him/her until the end, but maybe, that someone is not you. Maybe you’re not meant to stay because you are too fragile; you could die while trying to save him/her every time.”
Right after our conversation, I have realized that I have been keeping toxic friends in my life for years. And I am still keeping that kind of people in my life because of fears: fear of losing them; and fear of wasting good memories.
However, considering every bad moments we had and every anxiety attacks I had, I guess I am now ready to kick someone out of my life anytime.
But as much as I can, I want to avoid deciding while I am still in bad mood. So every day, I evaluate and reevaluate the people who are close to me so if ever, I would not regret moving out of their lives someday.
Aside from that, someone once told me to distract myself from bad thoughts, and focus on what is controllable. And this time, my decision is what I can control, not the situation nor those people’s attitude.
So If ever I decided to walk away, this might be the reason: I already stopped revolving my life around those toxic people. I already stopped fearing them.
Because maybe, all this time, we don’t build love. We evolve fears.
And it is a very unhealthy relationshit.